Muscles on Muscles

I never fully appreciated the notion of “all-age gigs”. Well that has now changed since I bought tickets to see this lyrical genius DJ called Muscles in Sydney. My fascination with Muscles began when I heard Track 12 of ‘Guns Babes and Lemonade’. The lyrics “Muscles, I love you, I want to have your babies” struck a chord somewhere, leaving me desperate to get the album. So I did and it was everything I had built it up to be. This guy is brilliant. Let me give you another example – “stab a one-inch badge pin through my heart” from Track 5 or “my hand slipped into your hand. And it was awesome. And you are special” from Track 1. I mean seriously, have you ever heard such a great juxtaposition?

Back to the point of underage gigs; I convinced two of my friends to come along even though they knew nothing about Muscles. We rocked up to The Forum in Sydney and it dawned on me (amidst my friend’s hysterical exclamations) that I couldn’t see one kid over eighteen in the two hundred meter queue to get in. Apparently all “all-age” actually means underage.

So, we went in and received wrist bands that let people know we were over eighteen. We were then permitted to go upstairs. Now the great thing about The Forum is that the upper level has a balcony around where people can stand and look at the stage. My friend Book found a spot really close to the stage (so I could get a good glimpse of Muscles himself in case I wanted to use his profile in a daydream).

There was a girl. We have retrospectively named her Bitchy Bitch (BB). She had a friend who I will refer to as FF. So Book gets me in there and then leans against the bar with one arm in. All fun and games. Then Book decides to give Loz a go. But Loz isn’t exactly the assertive type and before we know it BB has pushed Loz out so that only her hand is on the rail. Well excuse us, but we wanted our arm space back. Book replaces his arm.

But BB isn’t having a bar of it. She starts piling on the pressure. Suddenly I find myself two rungs to the right of my original position. The situation is getting tense. Book and I try to take the polite approach. We ask her is she could stop pushing us. She told us that it wasn’t her; she was being pushed from her left. Yeah right. Do you know what FF stands for? (And it’s going to sound a little un-PC but the name just stuck). It stands for Fat Friend. Now I am not trying to characterise her negatively, but she was standing next to BB and was quite literally holding the fort. It was obvious the BB alone was applying the pressure.

I did what I thought followed Newtons law of gravitation – what gets pressured from the left ought to be pressured from the right. Book agreed and was helping me along. Suddenly (and Loz – as my witness – saw it all) BB stuck out her bum, swings it to the left to get some force and rams it into Book. Book, shocked, trips over and loses his space. I am already like five rungs down. Now that I know what I’m up against, this means war. (In case you were worried, I’ll let you know that Muscles hadn’t started playing yet).

So I did what all stubborn girls do - I dug my knees into the rails and planted my arms down. There was no way that BB would get the better of me for a third time. BB dug her knees into the rail next to me. We are thigh to thigh, arm to arm. I tried speaking to her; asking her nicely to stop, but she was not interested.

It was exhausting keeping up the battle. I needed a new tactic. You guessed it – Tactic #72: Freak her out. I leaned into her ear (half a centimetre) and said in my most husky voice “I really like the feel of your skin. It’s really lovely and soft.” She responded by saying “If you don’t like this, you can move”. I replied “Oh no, I like it. I like it very much. There’s a lot of pressure, but I really like it”. I would have run the other way but I had a feeling that BB knew my tactic and sadly it didn’t work. Muscles came on and suddenly BB shouted to FF, “one, two, THREE”. BB and FF both ram me and run away. I got rammed!

I think this story pretty much illustrates the gig. The kids there had no respect and simply pushed each other around. I saw a girl almost get trampled on. Suffice it to say that Muscles himself, although slightly nebbish, is pretty fantastic. I recommend his whole album. I don’t recommend going to an all-age nightclub gigs. But as Muscles says (Track 7) “If we’re going to seize the night, let’s seize the night. So I die fighting.”

Well almost.